and then...candle

And I bought one. Smells like the sea, supposed. I got it at the bible shop. I got one of those, too. a basic one, like, I seek a basic bible. Because I'm a writer and the like. 

This post should be my first thing in the morning, I know, but running was my first thing, except that it wasn't this morning, because I was in mourning. 

What about? I refuse to remember. I have a deadline at midnight tonight that I can't make. But perhaps I can solve a continuity issue before then. It's a matter of making things convincing for my readers. I'd be done but backtrack,backtrack,backtrack. I don't think I could live without Alan's joy but his joy is kind of in the way. I have another screening tonight...I'm lonely as all hell. Haven't had a good conversation in weeks. I cracked yesterday and actually called a ton of people. Didn't end very well. I do not. belong. in college. 

People make their own tragedies. They really do. It's not a real thing, tragedy. People make up this idea tragedy as an excuse to avoid effort at happiness. So I refuse to say that I am living tragedy. Except that there is tragedy in my face, because it belongs to most of the people around me.

I have an issue more pressing: How to get from one point to the next. 

In film, a "summary relationship" occurs when time within the context of the story exceeds the actual screen time. Happens in montages, happens a lot actually, since films are usually a couple of hours. I need to do this in narrative, but I suck at it. Especially because I actually don't want the reader to know how much time is passing. They have to be just as shocked as pretty princely protag. 

I have to be at my screening in fifteen minutes. I need to learn the thing named script writing. Alan says make more posts later, techno-wise. Every seen a muse so sweet? This week he confused "lacquer" with "liqueur" in his speech. I'll make storybooks and movies. He'll make songs and pottery, he's thinking. Maybe I'll get married and build-a-home.  

and then...greenery

I watched too many movies yesterday. And I've got a viewing today for my film course. 

What I watched too late too early was the french film In Their Sleep which I hoped was a mother-son genius, but it turned out to be a psycho killer genius, here's comes a young man unloved. He kills people. Surprise! Oh, it's awful. Brilliant cinematography, though, what dying in the greenery. I'm trying, I swear! What the twist, young man unloved kills others, young woman unloved kills self, it's all a droning pain. 

So I started in on a fourth film, again about young men, just to distract myself, but who can sleep at two in the AM? Who hits boys with a car? Who hears aidez-moi while mumbling? It's what makes me feel burning, that help me while mumbling, and hey where did the arms go? I was feeling safe over here! fickle made beauty made flesh...

I miss him whose always presence :( long sleeves make it so...even on me. I pull sleeves to his knuckles and I've done so for years. I can't sleep in the meantime. It's the thing about that one subject, and dealing with, passion, our specific nuance, reference, pretend to be a vulnerable boy for bedrest. He resents the idea of resenting ideas of. 

We run in the mornings. Have I said that? What about Alan running circles around me? Friend of my heart. He picks wildflowers. I love my beta muse more than you love your boyfriend, oh tongue :P 

Running is still exhausting torture. It's only managed as montage, with music and the void, and the lips of the void and his cowlicked hair and me thinking, I'm running for you wherever you are. Running is great marketing. It's struggle made fresh, quite stylized--, and so, cathartic. 

I miss you, you love me? mi prami, mi prami

and then...verbalize

Could she bring up a serious issue here? Why can't we talk?

I can talk, sure. I practiced. I mean I have a lot of muses to manage, I talk often. But my gosh, what is wrong with writers these days? They write words so often that they can't sound them! I go to a workshop and it's like nobody knows what they are doing.

Finish your sentences. Cover one topic at a time. Writers are so bad at speaking...we get all isolated, and no practice. This is why you should talk to yourself. 

What is your story about? Oh, please. In the name of God, if it's your first draft, just say you aren't sure. Because every undeveloped answer is a plot summary or a sprawling list of themes. 

I'm nocturnal and it will be Tuesday in less than an hour. So really I have to hurry with this entry, I suppose I may edit it later. I just happened to notice that most young writers have no clue how to talk and it's maddening. If you try to talk like you write, you won't get anywhere. You'll talk in first draft. Just take it easy. Take a deep breath and speak one idea at a time. 

I have trouble distinguishing sexuality from inspiration. So I've been sexual since I was born or I'm not sexual at all. That is, sex is a manifestation of passion that can be attained independently of passion and so abused. We think ourselves so wrong, we let self worth slip. We are all stronger and more correct and innocent than we think. 

And dialogue, lately! Love how it wakes me in early hours.