little bits

The accumulation of little bits, particularly with regard to Van Gogh, generates something other than the sum of its parts. With regard to the paintbrush, a mass made of just bristle and bristle and bristle (for instance).

It's not the sudden ambitions you take on that will have significance. It's the small things over time. Small habits, small considerations, small things made, and even small listenings. It's taken years of watching and listening to others for me to confidently price my time and my worth. It took decades of scrawling and erasing to generate a novel, and not just a novel, but an ease in writing new things. 

The key is not just to develop new things, it's also to develop abilities. This is, in fact, where I have a challenge: when a sustained effort over time does not develop ability AND new content, I get discouraged. The modern sensibility would have us believe that learning to do anything (like how to apply for college or how to do your laundry) is useful, and has universal, applicable lessons, but you have to dig to get them. A lot of lessons are disposable. You learn them quick, they serve their purpose and then there's no point in studying the matter further. Submissions, for instance, discourage me in this way. You learn to do them and then you just keep sending. You can only learn how to take rejection once. Once the lesson is learned, nothing new is gained except more chances and finding a good fit for your work. No skills are sharpened, few new challenges arrive. You just keep sending. 

So if you find something that is sustainable, that is small bits over time, that can help you make things AND develop your skills, keep doing it!

On Passion

I still get excited about the sheer awoken-ness of characters sometimes. About the mystery of them. While editing scene 2 of Delta Phi I got to see the strength of a cinematographers instinct in a new environment, and the oscillation of disguise/reveal of Delta as he moves through a library. I knew it would be there in theory, it’s written into the script. But seeing something concretely is a huge part of the magic for me. It causes something in me to wake up, to stir a little, to just feel wonder and bewilderment. It’s like the discovery of a strange and exotic new animal. I’m absolutely in love.

This website is, in part, academic. It has to be if I want to share the meaning of metafiction, but I have to write to the beat of my passion. Passion feels like acting on impulse but with extreme slowness. It’s this deep compassion for every aspect of your unique, individual experience, to the point that your experience expands and it’s so much about what’s in you that it’s not about you at all anymore. Passion is so easily misunderstood. It so often controls us instead of the other way around.

I’m pondering this because I need to tap into it over the next several weeks. I need to be unequivocally committed to this work right now, to embrace an entirely different lifestyle if I’m to meet my deadlines, and more importantly, my potential. I didn’t necessarily want that for this season of my life. I wanted something more nurturing, romantic and restful. But we don’t always get to choose what season we are in, and fighting it detracts from your experience. Anyway, it’s a great place to be, to be working like this. I only hope that I can have many, many more seasons like this because there’s so much work I want to share, not to mention generate.
I never could explain the immense love I have for the imagined friends of our hearts, and with film, I may not have to. I’m in a place where my love makes sense. I have to fight to keep a place for it because it’s how I have to share my light. We all have something great to offer, but we have to find the place where it’s wanted and work tirelessly to keep that place.

Wrapping Up Production

We wrapped up shooting this past Sunday. Some of it was a tight fit, and I’m a little nervous about the edit, but deadlines demand that we move on from production.

We spent the last day shooting outside, braving the freezing wind with periodic sprints to the car for lens changes and nutrigrain bars. Just five of us total that day to ensure that we could fit in the vehicle and move about easily. It was the least structured, least planned aspect of the script; which throws me in hot water but actually placed my DP where she felt most comfortable: making intuitive decisions in the moment. She definitely came through in that respect and I was counting on it.

The day before I walked the talent and AD through my annotations for the climactic scene, and not for the first time. We shot it last, and my exhaustion was both evident and necessary. The drive in the camera was being a fool and we did lose a couple of takes, but that’s the only loss of assets we experienced for our very first feature length film, and to be honest, I consider that I victory. I’m tremendously lucky to have worked on this project but it’s too early to celebrate. I have two and a half months to complete an edit, build a press kit and screen it. I’m optimistic that I was able to get this far, and I genuinely believe that anything is possible if it’s destined to happen.

I’m hosting a workshop on characterization this afternoon, and I’m up to my eyes in schoolwork. I couldn’t be more grateful for all the help that’s been offered to me in regards to this project, and to those who are invested in following my progress all along.

Peace,

Ayah

#DeltaPhiFilm