It's a cyclical nightmare, not feeling worthy of love. Not feeling wanted, or appreciated, blahblahblah romatic sense bereft.
I spoke to my Alpha Muse about it. I said "King, I am difficult to love. :("
He said: "Yes, but impossible not to love."
People will pick difficult over impossible, but it is ultimatum entire and young men really don't like ultimatums. In fact, I think, this conclusion I made with the Alpha explais why young men (the real ones, not the fictional ones), can be so completely volatile and inconsistent and emotionally abusive around me. The poor things, I've got to stay away!
My ladyfriends are commendable indeed; I can hardly adapt to myself.
Onward: I prepared my next Moleskine. For 2012 I have a theme for all of my daily journals. I'm eager to post them to YouTube and my gallery on this website.
For my POST COPE SYNDROME lifestyle, I have made lists; media, career moves, skills to learn, etc. I'm delighted about it but I can't talk about it yet...not until I've got the final cut ready...
Meanwhile I'm grappling with my University so that they'll give me credit for doing my job. There's so little real writing done at universities! What is the point? I'm supposed to halt all progress on my career if I'm to get a degree? I hope this post isn't redundant...I try to come up with new ideas over the week so that I have something good to post on Monday. Not the mention the frequent posting makes me articulate, instead of that artsy vomit which is best appreciated by the Translators.
Aw, I miss being loved! :( No fair. Expense and worth and guys don't want a creative abstinent writer-like. Nevermind how much I love them. I forgot to wear my key choker today. *gulp* I'm supposed to wear it every day until the final cut is done and I feel naked without it.
I want to produce a book trailer for Cope Syndrome, I start raising funds in 2013. Slow motions shots, black and white, I worry about the safety of the actors; I may need some new ideas. It's this such fascination with boys in deep water, such! I love you, Fragile Lovely!! You young men fictional so, driving me to fever!
So, my little darlings, get journaling. Your wants and needs and desires are important yada yada. Play with color, be playful, playful boys.